Every year, the media and capitalism loses its mind with television programs and advertisements suggesting that society recognizes Father’s Day. I’m not ignoring the fact that there are some great fathers, such as our president, who are raising amazing children.
There is, however, an overpopulation of families in our society that are obligated to acknowledge a holiday that doesn’t exist in their households. And what is even worse is that much of what we hear and see during this time of year is society’s self-imposed pity party that we never invited ourselves to.
Coming from a single-parent background, I hear things such as:
“I bet it must be hard not having your father around during this holiday.”
“How does it feel missing out on life without a dad?”
“I can only imagine the rough life fatherless children have.”
Fatherless. That is often the term used by the media to label people like me. The term in their eyes define me as one who lacks a father, missing a second half and/or incomplete. If you watch any news stories that come out this weekend, it all sends out one big message: You are not whole until you have rekindled your relationship with your father.
And as the single-parent population laugh with me at the atrocity and foolishness of how dumb-down and myopic the media attempts to simplify this situation, it also gave me an epiphany.
For many years, I never really understood what frustrated me about this messaging. Yes, it was true that my biological father isn’t involved in my life. In fact, I think I’m better for it. After my parents divorced, I now understand within my own coming of age why having a leading mother was more conducive to my maturing.
And perhaps it is within recognizing this that I have now become accustomed to turning the channel when I see these pseudo televised self-help councilors weigh in. In the very frank words of Tyra Banks, “You don’t know where the hell I come from… you have no idea what I’ve been through.” In other words, there are more to single parent raised children than just having a missing father.
In fact, what we fail to consider during the conversations about the self-prescribed Father’s Day rejects is the person who was there – mothers. Sure there is Mother’s Day, but that truly isn’t enough to describe the work that single mothers devout to raising great children as well. We forget in our banter of how hard it is for fatherless children to succeed, that history has given us some of the greatest people that have.
President Barack Obama was a fatherless child. Halle Berry, Stephen Colbert, Kanye West, Shaquille O'Neal, Barbra Streisand and countless others was able to thrive without the fatherly assistance as well. But that brings me back to that ugly term – fatherless. What made these critically acclaimed individuals achieve was not so much that their fathers weren’t around, but that their mothers were.
So instead of deeming those fatherless, I have decided to give describe them with a new word –motherful.
Motherful is those who were raised by their mothers for most of their life. It was a life without a father, but instead a life with a mother. It challenges the age old ideology that looks at the glass half empty, but instead, looks at it half full.
Being 22 years old and graduating from an Ivy League institution, I have no regrets that I have had the blessing of being raised by a single parent. Although society strives to tell me that this is not idea, I beg the question: What is not desirable about having a strong willed and devolved parent that fosters your creativity and allows you to do great things?
That was the childhood that I can recall – not the broken-home travesties that much of the media strives to perpetuate every time they discuss single parent households. Although there are disparities in some homes that are single-parent based, so are they in two-parent structures as well. We should begin to rethink what makes these stereotypes persistent.
So here are five things that I am going to start doing for the rest of my life every Father’s Day and I hope other motherful peers do so as well:
1. Speaking up about what my mother has done for me rather than what my father didn’t.
2. Continuing to realize and appreciate how complete my life is and ignore the notion that it isn’t from the media.
3. Embracing the unconventional parenting that went into my ability to thrive and be able to succeed just as well, if not more, than that of a two-parent household.
4. Learning that life isn’t defined by who walks out, but rather by who stays in.
5. Telling the world what it means to be motherful rather than fatherless.
This is the Father’s Day that I will be celebrating and there is no need to throw me a pity party, Mainstream Media America. I think it is high time that society demand an addendum to the obligatory social holidays we have placed on calendars and commercial marketing campaigns with the consideration of a Mother’s Day Part II.
Perhaps I would be reaching for the stars if I expected the world to get on board with that or maybe not. Overall, today’s narrative around single-parent households needs to change. If we are to become a modern society that intends on understanding each other, we can’t rely on seeing such individuals as less of anything but instead full of something.
#Motherful = a purpose driven life led by a mother.
Happy Father’s day to those who have one – and those who were lucky to spend extra time with your mommy – stay motherful!
Dear Mr. Will Smith,
I first want to commend you on being a great entertainer whose career has spanned decades. You have starred in numerous box office hits, grabbed a Grammy and some Oscar nominations, and have raised a successful black family with three talented children. Mr. Smith, your hard work paved the way for you to do unorthodox things like travel around the world, act in films with your kids, and allow them the freedom to not necessarily go through some of the adversity you once did.
However, when I heard about your interview with Haute Living to discuss your new film After Earth, I found many of your comments about black parenting out of place. When you stated that, “specifically in African American households, the idea coming out of slavery, there’s a concept of your children being property and that was a major part that Jada and I released with our kids. We respect our children the way we would respect any other person,” I was appalled. How could you correlate a gross moment in history to parenting and then generalize an entire race of people of possessing such?
As a fine result of black parenting, I must disagree full heartily with your sentiments. I think you personally have missed the point of what it means to be told to “clean your room” and what it means “to be grounded.” It is not being property or being a slave, it’s called being held responsible for your actions. In many ways, black parenting is no harsh difference from the way most minority families raise their children in general. Have you ever heard of “Tiger Moms?” What is the root of the way they raise their children since it is not slavery? Mr. Smith, slavery has nothing to do with the way black parents raise their children. To be quite frank, being 21-years-old, I am thankful that my mother did instill many values in me that has led to me attending an Ivy League institution where she doesn’t have to pay for my tuition.
What you have failed to realize is that what you consider “property” is actually a misinformed interpretation of responsibility. Growing up, I lived in a community where many parents were not as active in their children’s lives or really taught them a sense of discipline. As a result, those were the same children that were often not on track to graduate high school on time and choose alternative lifestyles that were detrimental to their well-being. I was fortunate to have a strong mother that really stayed on my butt to not fall into traps that many around my age could easily slip into. This was called love, not slavery.
I have learned that my mother made me a priority and even though at times I resented not being able to have my way, I can now look back and understand the rationale. Because what you neither fail to realize in your logic Mr. Smith, is that children and adults are not exactly the same, nor should be treated as such. I am actually happy that I now have the structure and manners that I can now apply into adulthood. Some of my peers lack common decency and self-respect that my mother would say back in the day would not have been as frequent.
As this generation begins to see more issues develop among teens, and even more within minority youth, parents should be expected to intervene more to ensure their child’s success. At the end of the day, parents raising their children and disciplining them is not some old concept. You might feel as though these principles are backwards given your Hollywood lifestyle, but with all due respect Mr. Smith, you don’t have to face much of the heat and pressure of middle-class American life.
You don’t have to worry about your black son walking down the street and getting frequently racial profiled. You don’t have to worry about making sure he has his pants pulled up when he crosses the corner because he is probably most likely hanging with Justin Bieber and thinking stuff like that is “swag.” You don’t have to really get on your children about making good grades and making it out of their communities, because chances are, your superstar status will bring those contracts and gigs they just have to show up to.
That was the world I lived in and if I had a parent with your skills, I would have probably been a brat that wouldn’t have understood the harsh realities of my environment. How you raise your children works for you given the wealth and privilege they have. In recognizing such, it does nothing for you to raise your nose up and condemn the parenting of not just black parents, but minority ones that recognize the inequality and injustice in society for them.
The time outs, the washing dishes, the pops on the butt when I was out of place, actually made me the responsible, respectable person I strive to be today. If some people take it a step too far and go above and beyond the role of a parent, that isn’t called parenting, it is child abuse. Black parenting isn’t child abuse or slavery, Will Smith. It is a more invested interactive experience fostered to prepare children for the world they will face. Perhaps it was the very same parenting that made you the legendary man who you are today.
There is no one way to raise children, but there is no way one should condemn the reasoning behind the way others do. Mr. Smith, you have been fortunate to not have to face some of the social ills of raising your children in middle-class society. Some of the values and ideals the very industry you work in has made things a lot harder for how youth view themselves and treat the rest of the world. Perhaps you would be more useful in scolding them than you try to do black parents.
Sincerely,
Ernest Owens
A young adult who most likely wouldn’t have made it without black parenting